# Michaeleen Doucleff – Hunt, Gather, Parent - gutes Buch mit sehr tollen Ansätzen zur Erziehung von Kindern, die ich unbedingt verfolgen und umsetzen möchte - Minuspunkt natürlich für die unausweichliche Art, wie solche Bücher geschrieben sind: Anekdoten, Anekdoten, Anekdoten… und alles drei Mal erzählt, damit das Buch lang genug ist - ein starker Grund für das Aufkommen der modernen Kleinfamilie, ist das. Bestreben der Katholischen Kirche, Heiraten zwischen Verwandten (auch wenn es gar keine mehr sind, wie bei Cousins/Cousinen x-ten Grades) zu unterbinden - das hat das familiäre Netz, welches vorher über Heiraten geknüpft wurde, zerstört ## Highlights - So the first step to raising helpful kids can be summed phrase: Let them practice. Practice cleaning. Practice cooking. Practice in a single up washing. Let them grab the spoon from your hand and stir the them grab the vacuum and start cleaning the rug. Let them make a bit of a mess when they are little, slightly less of a mess as they grow, and by the time they're preteens, they will be helping to clean up your messes without you having to ask them-or even running your entire household. - ► Children have an innate desire to help their born that way. built-in drive to belong to the family, and helping earns their e in the group. S Oftentimes, they don't know how best to help. So they seenm incapable or clumsy. The parents' job is to train them. > When first starting to help with a task, a child may seem clumsy and perhaps make a mess. But with practice, they will learn quickly while still maintaining their love for helping. > Never discourage a child, at any age, from helping a parent or family member. Shooing a child off can extinguish their motivation to pitch in and work together. If the task is too difficult or hazardous for them, tell them to watch. Or break the task into a doable subtask. Do It Today For younger kids (toddlers to about age six or seven): ► Request a child help you and the family throughout the day. Don't go overboard with requests. One an hour is plenty. Things to ask: Go fetch something you need; carry a small bag of groceries; suli a pot on the stove; cut a vegetable: hold the door; turn on a > Be sure the requests are for: hose. • Real jobs that make a real contribution to the family, or mock work. not fake Working together as a team, not for the child doing it alone. Simple tasks that are easy for the child to understand and complete without your help (e.g., hand a child a book and tell them to put it on the bookshelf instead of asking them to go clean up the living room). You really can't make the task too easy. For older kids (> age seven): Ace > If a child isn't accustomed to helping, ease them into it. Try the tips above. And be patient. They might not help right away, but they'll eventually learn. > If the child is already learning acomedido, increase the complexity sdp of the task as their skill level increases. Let the child's interest and skills drive your requests. > Instead of telling a child what to do directly, try activating them by indirectly alluding to a task (e.g., you could bowl is empty "The dog's y" to remind a child to feed the dog, or "Time to say, make dinner" to remind a child to come over and start pulling icult ingredients from the refrigerator). ## New highlights added February 15, 2022 at 11:18 AM - Summary for Chapter 5: How to Raise Cooperative Kids Ideas to Remember > Children have a strong natural motivation to work as a team and to cooperate. Think of it as "peer pressure," but with their family instead of their peers. > Child-centered activities, designed only for kids, erode this team motivation and give a child the impression that they're exempt from family responsibilities. > On the flip side, when we include children in adult activities, we amplify a child's motivation to cooperate and do what the family is doing. The child feels like a full-fledged member of the team, with both benefits and responsibilities. > Children will often misbehave when they have to move from the child's world (including child entertainment) to the adult world. > In the vast majority of cultures around the world, parents do not constantly stimulate and entertain children. This mode of parenting can be exhausting and stressful for both a child and a parent. > Children do not need this entertainment or stimulation. They are fully equipped to self-entertain and occupy themselves. They can do all of that on their own with very little input from a parent or оccupy devices in the home. Do It Today For all children: > Minimize child-centered activities. Be sure children have access life and work. Be sure they're around while you do chores to your oF other adult activities. Your activities are more than enough entertainment and stimulation. - Minimize distractions such as screens and toys. The fewer "entertainment" items a child has, the more attractive your world becomes and the more likely they'll be interested in helping and being with > Maximize exposure to the adult world. Go about your business and •no. bring the child with you. Take them on errands, appointments, visits with friends, and even to your workplace, as much as possible. > On the weekends, choose activities that you want to do-activities would do even if you didn't have children. Go fishing, hiking, no. or biking. Work in the garden. Go to the beach or park. Visit friends. For older kids (> age seven): > Let an older child plan and organize their own child-centered activities (e.g., sports, music and art classes, other after-school activities, playdates). Encourage them to handle the logistics themselves, such as sign-ups, transportation, et cetera. > Slowly ramp up a child's responsibilities in the house, including care of younger siblings and contributions to cooking and cleaning. Think of ways they can help you at work. > If an older child has had little exposure to the adult world, increasing the introduce them by degrees. Go about your business and bring the child with you. If the child misbehaves, explain to them how they 'no, need to act in the adult world. > If the child is still disruptive, be patient. Don't give up. Try again later. They'll learn. ## New highlights added February 16, 2022 at 10:20 PM - Summary for Chapter 6: How to Motivate Children Ideas to Remember > To motivate a child without bribes or threats, the child needs to feel: • Connected to you or another person close to the child. • Like they are making the choice to do the task and no one is forcing them. • Like they are competent and that their contribution will be valued. > Praise can undermine motivation and generate competition (and strife) between siblings. > Parents can learn quite a lot from a child. Knowledge can flow in both directions. Don't assume your approach or vision is the best. When you pay attention to a child's vision or ideas, you'll likely find the child often has valuable and useful information. > Accepting a child's knowledge, idea, or contribution is a potent way to motivate the child. Do It Today For children of all ages: ► Resist the urge to correct a child, especially when they're pitching in or helping the family. Step back and let a child perform a task without interfering, even if the child isn't executing the task as you wish or taking the optimal approach. Ira child is resisting a request (e.g., to help with the dishes), you re Stop asking. Wait and let the child take the lead. > Pay close attention to how a child is trying to contribute and then build off their ideas instead of resisting them. > Help a child learn a task by letting them practice that task instead of lecturing or explaining the task to them. Offer simple course corrections, sparingly, while the child takes action. > Accept a child's contribution to an activity even if it isn't what you e child nedy expect or want. he child. > Use praise very sparingly. When you do praise, attach it to learning nok an overall value (e.g., "You are starting to learn to be helpful") or to maturity (e.g., "You are really becoming a big girl"). (Page 124) ## New highlights added February 18, 2022 at 2:46 PM - Summary for Chapters 8 and 9: How to Teach a Child to Control Their Anger Ideas to Remember Anger > Anger toward a child is unproductive. It generates conflict, builds tension, and stops communication. > When a parent frequently yells and screams at a child, the child will eventually stop listening to the parent. > Parents and children can easily fall into a cycle of anger, in which the parent's anger generates anger in the child, which in turn triggers more anger in the parent. > You can stop this cycle by responding to the child with kindness and calmness. Anger control > We often overestimate children's emotional intelligence. > Anger control is a skill children learn over time with practice and modeling. > To help a child learn anger control, the best thing you can do is control your own anger in front of the child. > Every time we yell at a child, we teach them to yell and act in anger when they're upset or have a problem. The child practices being angry and yelling. > Every time we respond to an upset child with calmness and quiet, we give the child the opportunity to find that response in themselves. We give the child an opportunity to practice settling themselves down. - Over time, this practice teaches the child to regulate their emotions and respond to problems in a calm, productive way. Tips and Tools When you feel anger toward a child, stay quiet and wait for the anger to pass. If you speak, a child will feel your anger. So, best fo stay silent. > If you can't control your anger, walk away or distance yourself from the child. Return when you are calm. > Teach yourself to have less (or even no) anger toward children. • Change how you view children's behavior. Expect young children to misbehave and cause problems. They aren't pushing your buttons or trying to manipulate you. They're simply irrational beings who haven't learned proper behavior yet. You have to teach them. (Their misbehavior doesn't mean you''re a bad parent.) • Never argue (or even negotiate) with a child. Arguing gives the child practice at arguing while you model the behavior yourself. If you start arguing with a child, stop talking and walk away. Stop forcing children to do things. Forcing causes conflict, erodes communication, and builds anger (on both sides). Use the tools in the next chapter to encourage proper behavior instead of forcing it. (Page 163) ## New highlights added February 24, 2022 at 8:10 AM - Summary for Chapters 11 and 12: Sculpt Behavior with Stories and Dramas Instead Ideas to Remember teach t tools: > When a child feels upset, they will have a hard time listening and learning. > When a child feels relaxed and safe from punishment, they are open to learning new rules and fixing mistakes. > If the child isn't cooperating over an issue (e.g., doing their homework), there's likely tension between the parent and child over the issue. Once this tension resolves, through play or a story, a child will cooperate and behave better. > Children love to learn through oral stories, especially when these stories include characters, experiences, and objects from their real lives. They have a natural inclination to learn this example, children love to: way. For • Hear about their family's history and their parents' childhoods. Imagine objects coming to life and making mistakes. • Imagine ghosts, monsters, fairies, and other supernatural creatures living around them and helping them learn behavior. proper > Children love to learn through play. It's how they release tension and practice proper behavior. Children love to reenact problematic behavior or mistakes and watch the consequences unfold in a fun, low-stress environment (without fear of punishment). Tips and Tools Instead of using lectures and adult logic to change a child's behavior or teach them a value, wait for a calm, relaxed moment and try one of these tools: > Tell a story from your childhood. Explain how you and your parents handled a mistake, problem, or misbehavior. Were you punished? How did you react? > Put on a puppet show. Get a stuffed animal or a pair of socks to act would no. like them to behave. Have them play one of the characters in the out the consequences of the child's behavior and how show. > Bring the problem into the play zone. Tell the child, "I noticed lot about homework [or whatever problem we've been arguing a you have]. Let's play a game about it. Who do you want to play? Me or you?" Then reenact in a fun way the what happens during argument. Don't be afraid to exaggerate and act outrageous. The goal is to laugh and release tension built up over the issue. Use a monster story. Create a monster that hides out near your house. Tell the child the monster is watching and if the child misbehaves in a particular way, the monster will come and take them away (for only a few days). > Bring an inanimate object to life. Have a stuffed animal, piece of clothing, or other inanimate object help you coax a child to complete a task. Have the object do the task itself (e.g., brush a stuffed animal's teeth) or have the object ask the child to do a task (e.g., have a toothbrush ask the child to brush their teeth). (Page 226) ## New highlights added February 23, 2022 at 7:23 AM - Summary for Chapter 10: Tools for Changing Behavior Ideas to Remember - We tend to rely on verbal instruction and explanations to change children's behavior. But words are often the least effective way to communicate with children, especially young children. Children's emotions mirror our emotions. • If you want your child to be calm, be quiet and gentle. Use few or no words (which are stimulating). If you want your child to be loud and have high energy, have high energy yourself. Use > Commands and lectures often cause power struggles, negotiations, many words. and cycles of anger. > We can break out of the anger cycle and power struggles by using nonverbal tools or by helping the child to think instead of telling them what to do. Tips and Tools > Taming tantrums. Tantrums go away if we respond to a child with calmness. Next time a child has an emotional outburst, stay quiet and try one of these tools: Energy. In the calmest, lowest-energy state possible, simply stand near the child, silently, and show them that you are close by, supporting them. Physicality. Reach out and gently touch the child on the shoulder or offer a hand. Sometimes a soft, calm touch is all a child needs to calm down. • Awe. Help the child replace their anger with the emotion of awe. Look around and find something beautiful. Tell the child, in the calmest, most gentle voice, "Oh wow, the moon is so beautiful tonight. Do you see it?" Outside, If the child still won't calm down, take them ouutside for some fresh air. Gently lead them outside or pick them > Changing behavior and transmitting values. Instead of telling the child "Don't," prompt the child to think and figure out the proner up. 66 behavior themselves with: • The look. Take whatever you want to say to a misbehaving child and channel it into your facial expression. Open your eyes wide, scrunch up your nose, or shake your head. Then shoot the look over to the child. Consequence puzzle. Calmly state the consequences of the child's actions, then walk away (e.g., "You're going to fall off and hurt yourself"). • Question. Instead of issuing a command or instruction, ask the child a question (e.g., "Who's being mean to Freddie?" when a child hits a sibling, or "Who's being disrespectful?" when a child ignores a request). Responsibility. Give a misbehaving child a task to do (e.g., say to a whining child in the morning: "Come over and help me make 66 your lunch"). • Action. Instead of asking a child to do a task (e.g., leave the house), just do the task yourself. The kid will follow. (Page 199) ## New highlights added February 27, 2022 at 9:21 AM - Summary for Chapter 14: How to Raise a Confident Child Ideas to Remember > Like adults, kids and toddlers don't like to be bossed around. Children, at every age, have a natural inclination to learn autonomously without interference. > When we boss kids around, we undermine their confidence and self-reliance. > When we give children autonomy and minimize instruction to them, we send the message that they are self-sufficient and can handle problems on their own. > The best way to protect a child from anxiety and stress is to give them autonomy. > Independence and autonomy are different • An independent child is disconnected from others and not concepts. responsible for anyone except themselves. An autonomous child governs their own actions and makes their own decisions, but they have a constant connection to their family and friends. They are expected to help, share, and be kind. They are expected to give back to the group whenever possible. Tips and Tools > Pay attention to how frequently you instruct your child. Take out your phone and set it for twenty minutes. Count how many questions, comments, and demands you make to your child during that time. > Go for three commands an hour. Try to limit your verbal instructions to three per hour, especially during activities that trigger conflict and arguments (e.g., getting ready for school, getting ready for bed). Use commands only to teach children helpfulness, generosity, and other responsibilities to the family. Find an autonomy zone. Identify places around your town where roddlers and kids can practice autonomy, where you can watch them from a distance and interfere minimally. Try parks and playgrounds with open spaces, grassy fields, and beaches. Bring a magazine or work and let the kids play for a few hours. > Make your yard and neighborhood an autonomy zone. Train your child to handle dangers around your home and neighborhood. Build an "invisible safety net" by getting to know your neighbors and their children. Stop being a ventriloquist. Make it a goal to stop speaking for your child or telling them what to say. Let them answer questions directed at them, order at restaurants, decide when to say "Please" and "Thank you." Work toward having them handle all conversations themselves, including discussions with teachers, coaches, and instructors. (Page 272) Rating: 4/5